Over coffee a friend recently asked me what I’d learned so far from this marriage reboot experiment. This is what I told him:
I’ve been reminded that bridging the gap between an idea and an action is tricky. When I proposed the Year 20 Reboot to R, he agreed fully. But it took us several months of one or the other crying out, reboot! during disagreements before we began to get into the habit of it. Anyone who’s serious about rebooting their own relationships needs to anticipate the habit-forming stage.
I’ve learned that it’s easier to reboot a difficult conversation when both partners are on board with the idea of rebooting. I know, seems kind of D’oh! While I don’t believe rebooting a relationship completely requires both partners to be part of it (I’ll say more about this below), it’s so much easier when both are. I’ve been pretty good at remembering to challenge my assumptions about R’s motivations and rebooting myself during disagreements, and R has gotten better at that too. I sure am grateful we can be each other’s support system for this experiment because it would be a lonely endeavor otherwise.
I’ve concluded that what I’ve said for years in my conflict resolution work is true: It is possible to change the conflict dance when only one partner of two changes their own steps. When R’s too ticked to reboot, I rely on my own mental reboot to change how the conversation unfolds and gets sorted out. Virtually 100% of the time, if I can reboot myself and my own attitude, R will adjust his own responses, subconsciously perhaps. It’s been freeing to be reminded how much I can influence how well a conflict conversation will go solely by changing my own response.
Most importantly, I’ve confirmed that what I believe about someone is a choice and that I can consciously choose to abolish a belief, even after 20 years. When I find myself getting annoyed with R because of something I long ago concluded about him, I’ve practiced negotiating with myself: What if that’s not the whole picture? What if it’s more than what I think? How would I be acting differently if I were allowing love to guide me instead of judgment? It’s been pretty stunning how frequently I can just toss a belief that may or may not be right but sure as hell isn’t serving me well.
Lots more learning ahead, I suspect. I’m loving it.
© 2009 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved. Posted at The Year 20 Reboot.
