How to reboot a relationship

Well isn’t that the million dollar question.

What would the mediator in me tell a client who asked how to reboot a relationship? I’d say something like…

• Decide to do it. You don’t both need to do decide, only one of you needs to. It only takes one to change the dance, though having two is so nice.
• Commit to your decision. This is not the time for spinelessness. Without commitment it’s too easy to slide back into old habits. Even with commitment it’ll be too easy.
• Make your commitment public. “Public” defined as you wish it — but tell someone out loud. Bill was right, after all. Is a blog public enough?
• Get clear on the assumptions you carry with you all the time. Some of them may not feel like assumptions because they’ll feel like the truth. But the truth is just a belief you’ve gotten used to having.
• Choose which assumptions you’re going to let go. Pick all the ones that create garbage and debris in the relationship.
• Let them go. Say good-bye. Do a ritual if you must. But one by one, go down your list and wish the debris-generating assumptions adios.
• Get help in getting called on it when you let one of them back into your life. Me, I’m asking R to call me on it. And I’ll call him on it in return.

There’s more to this list, I know. But my head will explode if I keep going right now so I’m going to pause, go out to the garden and contemplate while I hack away at weeds.

© 2009 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved. Posted at The Year 20 Reboot.