I’ve had a heretical thought in my head for two weeks. I have to get it out so I can walk around it and stare at it and decide what to do with it. So here we are. Before you go all righteous on me because of that headline, read on.
One night, sitting in the living room, I watched R while he read the newspaper. I watch him sometimes.
Out of the blue, a little voice in my head asked, in a tiny whisper, like it just knew it damn well better not say it too loudly, What if you job as his wife is to make him happy?
Now. I was raised by a feminist mom, to be a feminist, and am a feminist. Rod is also a feminist. As are most of my closest friends. So that little voice was too heretical for the likes of me. I brushed it off as though it was a mosquito.
Damn voice. Came back. Several times. Yesterday it came back while I was driving home from buying new dining room chairs. How very domestic of me. Buying chairs and listening to a voice suggesting my job is to serve my husband. I could practically feel the apron.
[Aside: My mom wore an apron when I was very little. But not for housekeeping or cooking. She wore it so she could carry kittens around easily when they needed TLC and nursing. She could do other stuff and still keep an eye on them, one in each apron pocket. Our house was where abandoned and feral former housepets always seemed to end up.]
Any way, back to the story. You know, the voice may be right. What if it is part of my job, part of making our marriage work even better?
No, not my job to make him happy – only he can make himself truly happy. No, not my job to avoid or hold back things that will create unhappiness, because that would be manipulative and disingenuous.
But I do think it is my job, as half this life partnership, to…
- Not create unhappiness.
- Add to R’s happiness at least a little bit and preferably a lot every single day.
- Make sure anything I’m unhappy about can get talked, dealt with or let go without poisoning.
And if it is my job, then it’s R’s job to the same for me.
I tell my conflict coaching and training clients that behavior change is more than the stopping of the behavior we want to shed. Nature abhors a vacuum. I know this from my doctoral dissertation, which researched the conditions that lead to behavior change.
R and I can’t just stop doing the annoying things that leave little pieces of debris in our marital wake. We have to start doing things that aren’t even about debris.
So I’m going to experiment for the next few weeks. Each day, I’m going to ask myself what I’ll do to contribute to R’s happiness. And I’m going to act on one thing, every day. Let’s see how I do.
© 2009 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved. Posted at The Year 20 Reboot.
Tammy, the topic of your post has been delivered to me in conversation, in email and now your post. Guess it’s time to really get it. I got so twisted up into a ball with all the coined feminist thoughts and phrases, that I couldn’t get inside what was real and true in my relationship for some time.
What if it’s my job to make sure I’m taking care of the man I CHOSE to be with? Of course it is. And I extend this to my son, my dog, my friends. I committed myself to all of them, so of course I’m going to care for them. Perhaps where we get all screwy is when we’re not good at setting boundaries, saying no, and knowing where I and You and We diverge.
In the past few days I’ve been asking myself this question: What if gratitude and appreciation are my first thoughts, first feelings, before speaking?
It’s working.
Hiya, Lisa — I’m back from vacation and just saw your thought-provoking comment.You’ve nailed it perfectly — where things go screwy is when we don’t set reasonable boundaries. And when we nurture everyone else but ourselves. Like so much, it’s about balance, I think.
Love your good question — great centering question.